When The Stars Go Blue
by errantry
Summary: AU. Castiel has grown into a routine filled with drugs, he need's someone to renew his faith in himself. yes, I still suck at summaries


It was late in the year. They were at a Christmas party for the entire senior class. Dean was surprised at the sight of Castiel, sitting on the couch and laughing. He was always the quiet kid. The one that sits in the back of the classroom. The one that looks like he has too many problems to count. Sitting there that night, he looked normal, like another face in the crowd. His was one face that stuck out to Dean the most. Castiel had a smile that was too big for his face, made him look goofy, Dean loved that. His eyes were striking, and Dean loved that how one moment his face would be expressionless than contort into a look of anger or bliss.

Dean leaned against the wall, watching him sitting there. Watched him talk with his hands and make the pretty girls laugh. When Cas got up and walked outside, Dean had followed him. It could been teenage angst or the beer but all Dean wanted was to feel Cas' lips on his own.

"Hey," Cas had said, smiling that big smile of his. They could see their breath against the dark winter sky. They didn't say a word, just spoke through glances and shifts of their feet. Dean brought a hand up behind Castiel's head, and Cas fell into him, their lips brushing together.

* * *

><p>It's funny, really, after six years how vivid that memory still is and how quickly it comes back to him. Like a flash. Of all the coffee shops in Manhattan, they both happened to be at the same one, at the same time. It was like a movie, the world had blurred around him and it was as if a spotlight had casted itself down onto Castiel.<p>

He was standing beside a counter, pouring sugar into his coffee and Dean didn't know what to do. He just stood there, examined how different Cas looked. He may have gotten taller, just a bit. His jawline had broadened. But he somehow looked weaker. Tired. Skinner. Much skinner.

"Cas?" He felt a hand fall onto his shoulder. He glanced up tentatively.

"Dean?" They hugged awkwardly, the kind of hug you give relatives on Thanksgiving. (You know the one's. They know your name but you don't remember ever seeing them once in your life. Yeah, that kind of hug.) "You look great." Cas forced out the obligatory small talk. They sat at a small table. They shared a conversation filled with too many awkward silences and not enough laughter.

Dean remembers how, a week after the party, Cas had disappeared. Dean never saw him at school again after that. No one talked about it either, not a word. He wasn't even at graduation. Now, Dean saw the sleeplessness in Castiel's eyes and how his hands slightly shook. "Listen, I have to get to work. We should get a drink sometime." Dean wrote out his number on a receipt and slid it over to Cas. Dean smiled and walked out all the while thinking, _what happened to you?_

* * *

><p>When Castiel made his way home, thankfully, he walked to the bathroom. He refrained from pieces together the events of the previous night. He didn't wake up in his own bed and he didn't care how he had gotten there. He peeled off his shirt and ran the shower. He looked at himself in the mirror. Every time he did he always fought the urge to smash the reflection, he would take the mirror down if it wasn't for his roommate. He hated his reflection. It got worse as he got older, got harder and harder to look at himself. He didn't know how to stop the life from draining from his still doesn't know where the will to carry on comes from.<p>

He enjoyed showers significantly more than other mundane daily activities. It was like his thoughts ceased to exist for a while. The sounds calmed him, falling water echoing off of the tiles. He felt alive. It would soon be over. Always is. The feeling of calm unclouded by drugs or drink would be flooded with worry and the need to escape. He would soon feel the emptiness again, like a sickness.

"How was your night?" Ash said when Castiel sat down on his bed.

"Average. Morning was strange. Saw some guy I used to go to high school with."

"Weird."

"Seriously, weird. I went to high school in Jersey and I run into him here?"

"Is he hot?"

"Of course he's hot. Really hot. He gave me his number, actually." Castiel tossed the paper at him.

"'Dean Winchester'. Sound's dangerous." Cas chuckled and unscrewed a bottle of whiskey and took a swig, attempting to calm his trembling hands. "I think I'll call him. I've never actually had a full on boyfriend. Not a fuck buddy or anything, you know? Like a take you out dinner kind of boyfriend. He seems sweet." Ash leaned back against the headboard.

"Your hands are shaking." Ash watched him swallow three pills with a swig of whiskey. "You gonna eat today?" Castiel just stared down at his hands. "Dude, I'm worried about you."

"Worry about yourself." Cas stood up and walked out.

* * *

><p>Castiel had his legs spread out on the couch, a small pillow comforted his head. A brown bag landing on his stomach startled him from sleep.<p>

"What happened?" He lifted his head up slightly, blinking open his eyes. The harsh daylight sent pain to his head.

"You passed out." Ash sat next to him on the couch, opening the bag of bagels and passing one to Cas. He took it and let it rest on his lap. They planned on going downtown, Ash needed a few new shirts and Cas could do with some pairs of jeans. When Ash came home from work, some minimum wage waiter job, he found Cas on the couch. The television was on, casting light onto his face. Ash took the half empty bottle of tequila from his hands, capped the open bottle of pills, and went to bed with a sigh of disappointment.

Cas put the bagel down on the coffee table, and got up to walk to the kitchen and get a glass of water. Ash followed him.

"Cas, we really need to talk about what's going on with you," Ash saw Castiel's back tense, his hand gripped the edge of the counter and he set his glass down slowly.

"I told you to worry about yourself, Ash. Just leave me alone." When he moved away Ash gripped his shoulder. "Fuck off." Cas shrugged his hand off, walked to his room and slammed the door shut. He heard Ash's footsteps approach the door and stop.

"I'm not just your roommate, Cas. I'm your friend. Remember that." Ash walked away and Castiel heard the TV turn on. Castiel didn't know if he wanted help. Everything had just become such a routine. This...this feeling he got. It would creep up, run from his hands then envelope his chest. It would make him shake, and the tears wouldn't stop. Sometimes they don't stop falling for days. Some day's he can't get out of bed. There's no will, no strength, he felt to even put his feet on the ground sometimes. Even when he was awake he didn't feel like he was living, simply existing, not giving anything back to the world.

* * *

><p>Dean set down his keys on the kitchen table. "Have a seat." He motioned to the couch, Castiel pulled off his sweater and sat down. "You won't believe what I dug out." Dean disappeared into his bedroom only to emerge seconds later with a red bound book.<p>

"You did not!" It was their old yearbook. Castiel was surprised that Dean kept it, he didn't seem like the sentimental type. He put a six pack down onto the table then knelt in front of the television to put a movie in.

"_Love Actually_? Really?" Cas said when he picked up the DVD case and inspected it.

"Don't judge me," Dean said glancing over his shoulder, smiling. Cas opend two beers as Dean sat down next to him. The lights were dim as they flipped through the yearbook. It was nice and Castiel was comfortable with Dean so close to him. A photo fell out from the back of the yearbook. Cas picked it up off of the carpet.

"I remember this." Dean had his arm slung around Castiel's shoulder in the picture. They both had wide grins and their eyes looked hazy. It was from the Christmas party. "You kissed me that night. I didnt even know you liked me."

"I did. I really did." Dean stared down at the photograph. "Where did you go the rest of that year? What happened?" After a while Cas finally spoke.

"I went to the hospital," he paused. "I...I tried to off myself." Dean just looked at him, sympathy in his eyes. They continued talking, after the movie finished and only the sound of their voices filled the apartment. It wasn't normal for Castiel to simply pour out his feelings. He always had a wall up and when it began slipping, he would run, but it was so _easy_ to talk to Dean. Those green eyes looking at him so intently. When he looked into them, Cas was reminded about how much he had always wanted a companion, someone to be there for him, but he had spent so much time alone. He had been his own shoulder to lean on for so long. He always ran when someone suddenly started to try and make an emotional connection with him. Truth be told, he hated himself for doing it. Being alone, and crying, and wanting, were things he was used to. It still cut him up inside and dug him into this pit he was now stuck in. Spiraling further and further down until he could no longer see the light.

Dean was looking at him with sincerity, listening to him speak of his past. He spoke of how misunderstood he was his whole life, by peers, parents and siblings. The need to escape had grown too great. He admitted that he didn't know where his life was headed.

There was something more that Dean heard through his words, but he didn't understand it. He didn't understand why Castiel seemed unsure, or scared, when Dean held his hand and ran his fingers over his palm. Cas tried to conceal the uncertainty toward Dean's gesture. Castiel was fighting with himself. Fought the urge to let Dean in, even thought he wanted to.

"You know, when we were in high school, I was really jealous of everyone. They were all dating. I was just...too afraid to talk to you. I can't believe I actually kissed you that night. I don't know where it came from. I think I was overwhelmed. Back then, and now, I always felt like I had a huge capacity for love. That I could love someone with my whole heart, but no one ever came along. Even now, I feel like I was put here to love someone, to help someone, to make someone feel loved." Castiel wiped at his eyes, and Dean picked up the photograph again. He studied it for a while before scooting closer to Cas. Dean tilted his chin up and pressed his lips against Cas'.

"Just like I remember," Dean said when they moved apart.

* * *

><p>The next morning Ash was sitting on the couch in his uniform when the door opened. Castiel walked over and extended a coffee toward him. "Here's an apology sized coffee."<p>

"You're so lucky you can buy my love back with caffeine." Ash passed him a pack of cigarettes and Cas took one. "Where were you last night?"

"I was with Dean. We fell asleep on his couch." Ash moved closer to him, inspecting his face.

"You're smiling." Ash wanted to click his heels together. It had been so long since he'd seen a genuine smile on his face. Castiel laughed next to him and sipped his coffee.

Ash found Cas cleaning the kitchen after two weeks of hardly seeing him. He was moving quickly, scrubbing the counter then switching to wash the dishes. "What in the world are you doing?" He opened the refrigerator and found it's contents neatly organized.

"This place was filthy. Dean's apartment is so clean and this place is always a mess."

"I thought you liked it messy, said it gave this place character." Ash poured milk over top his cereal.

"I was lying. I have to get to work. Make sure you clean that bowl."

"You're worse than my mother. Eat something today, will you?" It was getting dark when Cas exited the antique shop. It was an agonizingly slow shift, he had to cover his hand in price stickers to keep from falling asleep. He buttoned up his cardigan. It was only the beginning of Fall but he keeps getting unnaturally cold. He broke out his sweaters early, every time he goes out he starts shivering, right down to his bones.

A deep pain shot through his stomach as he shoved his hands in his pockets, he can usually ignore it but today the pain feels different. It's all too nagging and constant, he winces because of it occasionally. It ripples through him like a tidal wave and makes him feel weak. Too weak. He sees his vision start tunneling and his movements begin to slow and he's so much more weak at this moment now, then ever. He just wants to lie down and sleep the pain away. He feels the chill of the metal bike rack he's leaning against seep into his skin and just like that something clicks.

Maybe now is the moment to _try_.

Castiel knows he wont be doing it for himself. No, he's doing it for Ash. The one who cares the most. The only friend he had, nagging, insistent Ash. It's his voice Cas hears in his mind when he sits down and unwraps a sandwich. He takes a small bite at first, holding his breath. His chews are slow, testing. When he swallows his bite, he feels like crying. He wants to cry because, maybe, things could be getting better.

He takes another, bigger, bite but after he swallows, his stomach flips. He walks to the restroom as calmly as he can and as he opens the door, he bolts to the last stall. The contents of his stomach empty into the toilet bowl, and his whole body shakes. Fast quakes of shivers coursing through his body. He sits down on the cold tile, his face in his hands.

After a few minutes he wipes the tears from his eyes, swallows three pills that previously rested in his pocket. He breathes deeply, head against the wall, shaking in his hands slowly fading.

* * *

><p>Castiel was relieved when he saw Dean. His stomach had been upset the entire week, nothing helped it. Nothing helped the pain that replaced the nausea. He's sure he made himself sicker with the pills and drinking but he felt fine now, with Dean's warm hand resting on his thigh. A movie was projecting in front of them in the small theatre and everything felt normal again.<p>

"You should come eat the restaurant this weekend," Dean leaned over and whispered. It felt normal to Castiel for him to bring it up, Dean was the chef, and they were spending so much time together, but it still sent a pang of anxiety through him.

"Okay," he whispered back. _It was Dean_. The one that didn't pressure Cas like Ash did. Cas didn't want to make up an excuse. Castiel never wants him to see that side of him. The side that's so anxious, dependent, self loathing. The part of him that is so sad, so sad that he can't eat, so sad that sometimes he doesn't sleep. Castiel sees Dean and he wants to be better, he just doesn't think he _can._ Dean was the one that could change everything.

* * *

><p>Castiel and Ash walked into the dimly lit restaurant, and Cas' stomach was in knots. Nothing would ease it. Ash stood next to him, still in surprise at the fact that he was in a restaurant with Castiel.<p>

Dean stood next to the hostess, dashing as ever, even in his stained uniform. "Hey, guys." He smiled, shaking Ash's hand firmly, then kissing Cas on the cheek. "I have to get back, enjoy the food, we'll all get a drink after." Dean walked back to the kitchen and they were seated at a corner booth.

"Fancy," Ash said as they were served wine. "I should have worn a bow tie." Castiel ordered something simple that he could eat slowly while Ash tackled an enormous steak.

They were halfway through their meal, Ash smiling proudly every time Cas took a bite. Castiel was astonished at how much he had eaten, once he started over thinking he felt his stomach start to flip, but then a warm hand landed on his shoulder.

"How is everything, guys?" Dean's deep voice said above him. Castiel immediately felt calm, he scooted over in the booth to make room for Dean.

"Amazing. This food is beautiful." Ash said. Dean's arm slid around Cas' shoulder.

"Its really great." Castiel was proud of himself. Proud that he kept control and didn't break.

* * *

><p>After a few drinks and too many games of pool, Castiel still felt incredibly full. He felt unnaturally warm and...complete. Dean took them back to his apartment after dropping off Ash. Their lips connected once the door slammed shut. Tongues colliding, then coming apart to pull each other's clothes off. Cas ended up being pushed onto Dean's bed, hands moving quickly to unbuckle his pants. Dean slid them off and threw them to the ground, he glanced down then stopped.<p>

He reached over and clicked on the lamp, light flooded the room. Dean looked down again and saw cuts running horizontally across the skin of Castiel's thighs.

"Did you-" Dean began.

"It's nothing." Castiel tried to pull Dean back down but he protested.

"Did you do this to yourself?" Dean whispered. Castiel sighed then swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pulled on his pants.

"I should go." Dean could prominently see his ribs move on his back. Through the haze of beer he could actually see how skinny Castiel was. How _sick _he looked.

"Cas, please, talk to me." Dean grabbed his hand but Castiel staggered away.

"Just leave it." Dean let him walk away. Let him walk out of the apartment. He sat in silence for a long time before a feeling overtook him. A feeling deep within his chest and he cried. Cried for Cas. Crying at the fact that he didn't see how bad it really was earlier. He wanted to help but Castiel didn't seem like he wanted to be helped. Or maybe he did but he was scared, Dean didn't know. He just didn't want to see Cas wither away.

* * *

><p>Castiel heard his door open, heard light footsteps on the carpet. His back was turned, he closed his eyes tightly. Faking sleep in case Ash was planning on poking and prying at him. Cold air hit the skin of Castiel's back and the bed dipped. A hand snaked around his waist, warm breath against his shoulder.<p>

"I want to help," Dean's voice said softly. He ran his hand down Cas' arm soothingly. Cas turned over to look at him, Dean's eyes were puffy like his own, the green in them was darker. "You don't have to be alone with this anymore." He kissed Cas lightly, simple brush of lips. His hands caressed his skin, slowly over the harsh cuts of Cas' hipbones, moving up, feeling his rib bones under his slight press of fingertips. Dean held his breath as he moved his hand over Cas' collarbones. His exhale ghosted over Castiel's neck, make his hairs stand up. He closed his eyes as Dean laid kisses on his neck, lips warm against chilled flesh.

He repositioned himself next to Cas, pulling him to his chest. "I want to make you better."

* * *

><p>"Oh my god." Castiel heard Ash's voice say when he opened his door and walked to the kitchen. "It's like you added bits of heaven to this omelet." Dean had a washcloth resting over one shoulder and his hair was messy from sleep.<p>

"Good morning," Castiel said, sliding into the chair next to Ash.

"Mornin'," Dean placed a cup of coffee down in front of him. "Are you hungry?" Cas shook his head slightly, not making eyes with anyone. "How about just some toast?"

"Alright," Cas said quietly, forcing a smile at Dean.

"I'm off to work, see you guys," Ash said, making his way to the door.

"Your roommate's really cool," Dean said, watching Cas stare down at a slice of toast. He took a few bites, Dean looked down at his food. Castiel's stomach suddenly flipped and he walked calmly to the bathroom, flashing a smile at Dean before he did so. Dean heard the door slam shut, and waited alone in the kitchen for a long time.

"Are you okay?" he gently tapped on the door.

"Fine," he heard Cas groan then cough. His hand turned the knob and Dean found him sitting on the tile. A cigarette lit between two fingers of one shaking hand. His face was wet with tears, eyes puffy when he looked up at Dean.

Castiel soon realized that no one had ever seen him like this. This broken and torn apart. No one had seen him cry or found him shaking and hopeless. Dean sat down sat to him, put an arm around his shoulder. Castiel let his head fall against his shoulder.

"One step at a time, okay?" Dean ran his hand up and down Cas' arm. "I just want you to know, whenever you feel like hurting yourself, call me. Understand? I don't care if I'm at work, okay?"

"Dean..." Cas' voice broke and he cupped his face. "I don't think I can do this."

"You can, Cas. I'm right here. I'm with you. You're not doing this alone. You're strong enough."

* * *

><p>It took a long time for Castiel to be able to hold down food. Dean was there with him every step of the way. It began with Cas just wanting to eat what Dean cooked him, he said it made him feel more calm. Ash was delighted to see the color return to his face after a few months. Castiel started laughing more. Loud, full bodied laughs. Castiel really seemed to be coming back to himself.<p>

Castiel slowly gave up the pills and when his trembling got too great Dean would take him to a park. They would sit on a bench that overlooked the skyline. Today was one of those days and Dean asked him how he was doing.

"Trying to keep my mind off of things." He looked out at the city. "You've really helped me." Dean held his hand. Cas looked at him for a long time, just now noticing his bone structure. Now, unmasked by any substances, he saw beauty. It was all within Dean. A man who he thought would abandon him like everyone else had. He thought Dean would have walked away long ago, because of how reluctant Cas was.

As he looked at Dean, he saw all the beauty he'd missed. How the white snow contrasted with Dean's eyes. The smooth cut of his jaw. "I love you, Dean. More than anything. As long as I have you, I don't need anything else." He had tears in his eyes. Dean had his head down, Cas watched a tear fall from Dean's eye. His hand reached up around the back of Cas' neck, he pulled him in for a kiss.

"I love you so much."

* * *

><p>"Ash, are you sure I look okay?" Cas adjusted his tie and stared back at his reflection.<p>

"You look like a million bucks, dude. I can't believe you're doing this." Ash said from behind him. Dean's horn sounded from outside. Cas was sweating bullets next to him on the drive to the restaurant. Dean couldn't help noticing his strange posture, and shot him looks all through dinner. Cas cleared his throat, he looked up at Dean.

"Dean?" he said, almost a whisper. He looked up as Castiel wiped the sweat from his brow. "Will you...will you marry me?" Dean's fork dropped and clanked against his plate. Tears immediately formed in his eye when he looked back up at Cas.

"Of course."


End file.
